


light up the night

by atemzug



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, M/M, Slice of Life, Small time skips, Smoking, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:41:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29577657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atemzug/pseuds/atemzug
Summary: Juyeon breaks an old habit, but develops a new one.
Relationships: Ji Changmin | Q/Lee Juyeon
Comments: 16
Kudos: 70





	light up the night

**Author's Note:**

> this is yet another reworked fic, originally written and posted for a different ship and fandom, also under a different account (both acc and fic are off the face of ao3 now hehe). but dw though i didn't just ctrl+h'ed my way through this fic! i wrote so much for it to match the way i personally perceive jukyu. if anything, the only thing i got from the og fic is the premise and a few paragraphs. just wanted to get it out there that if the story seems familiar, then that's the reason.
> 
> i am still not very familiar with tbz, and honestly my perception of jukyu is heavily influenced by all the jukyu fic i've read ~~and all the jukyu compilation videos on yt that i've been watching over and over as i dig myself deeper into this rabbit hole~~ , so i'm sorry if jukyu here is ooc! >< but i really hope it turned out alright TT
> 
> i felt bad for clogging the jukyu tag with non-jukyu fic, so i hope jukyu nation accepts my peace offering!
> 
> edited this as best as i could, but i'm sure there are still some mistakes and errors here and there, so apologies for that as well!

_He's here early_ , Juyeon thinks to himself when he walks to his usual spot down the street. There, he finds the old bench perched around the corner, the even older lamp post that’s already terribly staticky but still offers enough lighting, and the boy who's always there standing a couple of meters away, nearer to the other street where Juyeon supposes he lives. 

He's not sure when he started noticing him—or when exactly the other guy started coming to that particular spot—but Juyeon likes to think that this person acknowledges his presence as much as Juyeon acknowledges his. And maybe his assumption is correct, because as soon as he plants himself by the post he usually occupies, the stranger starts slowly walking up to him.

“Excuse me?” he says curtly, offering a friendly smile. He has a nice, pleasant voice that has a certain bounce to it that reminds Juyeon of a child. “Sorry for bothering you," the boy continues timidly, "but my lighter won’t work and I was wondering if I could borrow yours?”

Juyeon just stares at him at first, somehow dumbstruck. In the few seconds it takes for him to process what the other just said, Juyeon notices that his features, although cute and small, look a lot sharper up close. He suddenly has the urge to trace his index finger along the boy’s sharp jawline, or maybe run his fingers through the boy’s dark blue hair starting from the black roots that are already peeking out. 

He must have noticed Juyeon staring, because then he speaks again, a funny tone to his voice. “Just a light," he says, "I’m not gonna rob you or anything, don't worry.”

“No,” Juyeon tells him, shaking his head. He must seem so stupid right now. Way to make a first impression. “No—I—It’s not that—," he stutters. "I promised my friends I’d quit. I don’t have a lighter with me. Sorry.”

“Oh. Just today?” the boy asks. Juyeon nods in response. “So that’s why.”

_Why, what?_ Juyeon wants to ask, still a little puzzled. Maybe he’s just extremely spent from an entire day at uni, that’s why his brain is so slow in processing things. Maybe he just badly needs—wants—a drag, and this is his body reacting to the sudden lack of nicotine in his system. But either way, his friend Hyunjae made sure to take his last pack of cigarettes from him before he could even leave their apartment this morning, and his friend Younghoon even threw him an empty threat about making him pay double his share of the rent if he as much as smells the lingering scent of smoke on Juyeon’s clothes. 

“So what are you doing here then?” the guy asks, tilting his head. He kind of looks like a dog like that, especially with the cigarette dangling between his lips.

Juyeon wants to pat his head and smooth his windswept hair down. 

“I mean, not that you _can’t_ be here without smoking,” the guy continues, “but I see you here every night burning your lungs out, too.”

Right. Why _is_ Juyeon even here tonight? _To smoke_ , he almost answers, because that was always the reason why he’s here. Only, tonight he isn’t here for that. He doesn’t know why he’s here, really. He guesses it can only be out of habit, that his feet just automatically took him outside his house and straight to this place until he’s just awkwardly standing here doing nothing, fumbling with the loose threads of his jeans. 

He settles with a shrug as an answer, mostly because he doesn’t have one.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t even be asking you this,” the guy tells him with an apologetic smile. 

Juyeon wants to tell him that it’s okay to ask anything he wants, surprising himself, but he’s at least able to stop himself from saying it out loud. “It’s whatever,” he manages to say. "And to answer your question: it's just out of habit."

“Oh,” the guy replies, “Alright. I'll get going now, then. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He bids Juyeon goodbye with a polite bow, leaving Juyeon to stare after him as he walks over to the nearby convenience store, mind blank except for the stranger’s cute smile that has somehow already burned itself onto his brain.

  
  


✩✩✩

  
  


It’s been a week since Juyeon decided to quit smoking.

He knew it wasn’t going to be easy the moment he decided to do it, especially when cigarettes are so easily accessible. But he takes pride in himself for not giving in, even when some of his friends in uni keep on offering him cigarettes. That is why tonight, as he sits on the bench at his usual _smoking_ spot, he thinks of what he can reward himself with. 

He’s busy deciding what fun activity he can do this weekend when someone approaches him. 

“Mind if I sit here?” someone asks, startling Juyeon. 

He immediately recognizes the voice, even before he can turn to face whose it is. It’s also been a week since they’ve actually spoken to each other, but they’ve always shared polite smiles and nods of acknowledgement every night for the past week. Juyeon smiles and nods at him tonight, too. “Sure,” he tells the boy, who smiles back at him before sitting down.

As soon as he’s settled himself on the bench, he takes something out of his pocket—which Juyeon soon realizes is a pack of cigarettes. The boy takes one, places it between his teeth with a pop, and lights it up before glancing at Juyeon. “I’d offer you some,” he says, “but you told me you were quitting.”

“Yeah,” mumbles Juyeon. He fumbles with the straps of his messenger bag, glad that he’d decided to go straight here from uni instead of going home to drop his stuff off first. He’s been sitting here for almost half an hour, which is already a lot longer compared to the last few days, but he also arrived here earlier than usual, so he thinks he’s allowed to spend more time sitting here and doing nothing. 

Or _waiting,_ maybe.

“How’s that been going for you, by the way?” the boy asks. Then, as if realizing how casual he sounded, adds, “If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Quitting?” Juyeon replies. Much like the first time they spoke to each other, he finds that he really doesn't mind the other male asking him anything. Which must be a little weird, considering they don’t exactly know each other. He still answers honestly, “It’s going well. Haven’t smoked in a week.”

“Oh,” the boy lets out, eyes wide in what can only be an expression of surprise, his lips forming a cute little _O_ shape. “You really haven’t? At all?”

“Yeah,” Juyeon says. 

The boy nods his head slowly, looking like he’s acknowledging Juyeon’s feat. 

Juyeon suddenly feels awfully proud of himself, and he can’t help the smile that tugs at the corners of his lips.

“You don’t smoke that much, do you?” the boy asks this time, although it strikes Juyeon as more of a statement than an actual inquiry. Jueyon isn’t wrong, because the boy continues, “That’s why it doesn’t really seem like a big deal to you.”

Juyeon shrugs. “Well, it seems like a big deal to my friends,” he finds himself admitting. “And anyway, I mainly just do—did—it to relieve stress from uni. Maybe now I can actually find other things to do, like—I don’t know, hobbies, maybe?”

The boy suddenly perks up. At that moment he really looks like some cute animal Juyeon wants to keep in his pocket; like a squirrel, or a hamster. Juyeon shakes his head, waking himself up before he can list down even more weird animal comparisons, and before he can act on the sudden urge to just squeeze the other’s cheek or poke the dimple showing up when he smiles. 

“Have you tried dancing?” the boy asks.

“Oh!” This time it’s Juyeon who perks up, sitting up straight. “I used to dance, actually,” he says. “But I haven’t found a nearby studio since my friends and I moved here.” He and his friends have only moved to the neighborhood a couple months ago, before the start of the current semester. They haven’t had time to explore as much yet, mainly because of their different—not to mention busy—schedules. 

“What? No way!” the other exclaims, almost crushing his cigarette when he claps his hands excitedly. “There’s a studio just a couple blocks away from here,” he says. “That’s where I go to practice when I don't want to stay at the university.”

“How come I’ve never seen it?” Juyeon wonders out loud. It takes a moment before he realizes what this implies. “Wait—” he turns to the boy so suddenly he thinks his neck might break “—that means you’re a dancer, too!”

“Well, yeah,” the boy replies sheepishly. “I mean, _I dance,_ but I don’t, like, do it professionally or anything.”

“Oh. But you want to?”

“Ah.” He looks down at his hands, where Juyeon’s gaze follows and finds the cigarette almost burnt to the but. “I’m not sure,” says the boy, before taking one last drag, long and heavy, as though that one simple question—the first one Juyeon’s ever directly asked him—weighs more than he can bear. 

“Sorry for asking,” Juyeon mumbles, genuinely feeling bad. He shouldn’t be asking strangers questions like those.

But the boy just waves his apology off. “It’s fine,” he says, the smile back on his face as he flicks the cigarette butt away. “I keep asking you shit, too, anyway. Now we're even."

_We don't have to be even,_ Juyeon thinks. What he says instead is, “Right." He huffs out a breath, feeling something weird bubbling in his stomach, then stands up in an attempt to shake it away. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asks, turning to the boy and offering him a hand.

The boy takes Juyeon’s hand and allows Juyeon to help him up.

“Juyeon, by the way,” Juyeon says, still holding the boy’s hand. “I’m—Me—" he stutters, like the physical contact has suddenly caused him to short circuit. "My name, I mean. It’s Juyeon. Lee Juyeon.”

The boy laughs out loud, like he finds Juyeon’s sudden awkward introduction amusing. “I’m Changmin,” he says, smiling at Juyeon. Juyeon wonders if he’s only imagining it, the way Changmin’s hand lingers half a second too long before finally saying, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Juyeon-ssi.”

  
  


✩✩✩

  
  


“You’re really serious about this, aren’t you?” Changmin asks Juyeon. Again, it sounds more like a statement than a question.

Two more weeks have passed and Juyeon still hasn’t as much as touched a single cigarette, which both Hyunjae and Younghoon are totally ecstatic about. If he were to be completely honest, he himself is extremely happy about his progress as well. Also, surprisingly, he finds that quitting this vice is not as hard as he initially expected, and now there's now a part of her that kind of regrets not doing it earlier. 

But that same part of him also knows that if he had done so, then he probably wouldn’t have become acquainted with Changmin.

“Yes, Changmin-ssi,” he answers the non-question. “I _am_ serious about this.” 

In the past two weeks, too, Juyeon was able to locate the dance studio Changmin told him about. He went there once with Hyunjae, once with Younghoon, and then a couple of times by himself, all during the evening because that's the only time of day he's free. He bumped into Changmin a few times, one of which was when he was with Hyunjae—which turned out rather unfortunate, because since then, Hyunjae has never stopped asking Juyeon who Changmin is, which of course in turn made Younghoon curious, too.

But the thing is, Juyeon can't say he's not at fault, either. 

Whenever either of his friends would ask him, "Who's this Changmin dude? How do you know him? What does he do? Where did you meet him? When did you meet him?" or something along those lines, Juyeon would launch into something akin to a monologue about who Ji Changmin is—or at least, about what he knows about Changmin. 

Here's what Juyeon knows about Changmin so far: Changmin’s favorite color is blue; Changmin’s favorite food are _dakgalbi_ and _tteokbokki_ ; Changmin is also a university student, one year below Juyeon, majoring in Dance; Changmin took a gap year before entering uni; Changmin has an older brother; Changmin has a poodle back home named Ghana; Changmin moved out of his parents' house some two years ago after graduating high school; Changmin used to room with a friend he knew from high school, but has been living alone since the start of the year when his friend moved overseas to study; Changmin likes watching horror movies; Changmin loves dancing as much as Juyeon does—probably even more; Changmin feels guilty that people in his life needed to sacrifice a lot of things for him to be able to pursue what he wants. 

Juyeon thinks he can list down more trivia about Changmin, some important, some inconsequential. Bits and pieces of Changmin's life he slowly eased himself into telling Juyeon, little by little every night in the month or so that they've known each other. Things Juyeon unknowingly finds himself holding close to his heart. He'd sit down and write everything he knows in a notebook, hide it securely under his pillow if he had the time— but that would be weird, wouldn't it? He can already hear Hyunjae asking, _'Yah, are you worshipping him or something?'_ He can already imagine Younghoon suppressing a laugh if he finds Juyeon's face buried in something else other than a screen. 

But Juyeon can think of somewhere else he'd rather bury his face in. If Changmin would let him, Juyeon would bury his face in the crook of Changmin's neck; he imagines it would feel warm, and that it would smell nice. Even when Changmin blows smoke out of his lips in rings, Juyeon is almost sure Changmin would smell nothing like cigarettes. And even if it were so, it's not like Juyeon has ever minded the smell of cigarettes.

"Do you want a puff?" Changmin suddenly asks.

Juyeon startles. He didn't realize he's been staring at—at what, exactly? At Changmin? At his lips? At the cigarette he's holding, frail between his fingertips?

"You look like you've seen a ghost," Changmin adds, smiling so widely, like the thought of seeing ghosts excites him so much. Then Juyeon remembers that Changmin _is_ the type that gets excited over certain things Juyeon cowers from. 

"It's like you'd rather see a ghost than me," Juyeon teases, but finds himself meaning it. "You're never that excited when you see me."

Changmin's eyes soften. Maybe he realized there's no ghost after all—only Juyeon and the thoughts bumping into each other and making a mess inside his head—and the glint in his eyes are gone in a second. Or maybe it's just the smoke blurring Juyeon's vision.

"That's not true," Changmin says, looking away. 

"It's fine if it is," Juyeon lies. "Not like it matters."

"If you say so." 

They sit in silence for a while, the way it usually goes. They've been spending at least half an hour together every night for the past few weeks. Juyeon has already gotten used to Changmin's presence, some of his mannerisms, like the way he flicks ash off his cigarette even when he hasn't taken a drag yet, or how he sometimes takes too long a drag when he feels especially tired. Sometimes Juyeon wants to ask what's wrong, but he never does. A lot of times he's afraid he might ask the wrong question and he'd ruin the mood, say the wrong thing and he'd the comfortable silence into strained quietness.

Juyeon usually leaves asking questions to Changmin.

"By the way," Changmin starts, bringing Juyeon's thoughts back to the present. "I've been meaning to ask, how old are you?"

"Hm," Juyeon replies. This time he tries to answer the question with another question, "Why?" 

"Just curious." Changmin shrugs. "I'm twenty-two, in case you wanted to know."

"Really?" Mild surprise falls upon Juyeon. "We're the same age."

"What?" Changmin exclaims. "No way!"

"Yeah—wait, why? Are you saying I look old?"

"You look—" Changmin pauses, looking Juyeon up and down.

Juyeon suddenly feels self conscious. Even though Changmins said just a moment ago that everyone thinks he’s handsome, the lighting where they are is nowhere near flattering at all and Juyeon's face has gone slightly bloated from the cup ramyeon he ate just a few minutes ago. It’s not often he feels this way, but he finds that when he’s with Changmin he only wants to show the best parts of him.

It feels like forever has passed before Changmin settles on an answer. "Well, you look _older than me_." 

"Is that supposed to be an insult or a compliment?" Juyeon asks, although he breathes a sigh of relief. He himself can't quite believe it, either. Changmin seems—well, Changmin does seem younger.

And Changmin looks even younger when he tilts his head at Juyeon. "It's whatever you want it to be," he says, a playful smile on his small face. 

Pouting, Juyeon replies, "That's not how communication works. You have to be clear with what you want to say."

"That's not always the case."

"But that's how misunderstandings happen!"

Changmin tilts his head the other way. "I don't think so," he muses. "Not always, no. Sometimes you gotta leave room for interpretation. When you're too honest, people get hurt, you know?"

"That's—" Juyeon wants to say, _That's a different thing._ But then Changmin smiles at him again, the dimple on his cheek appearing, more clearly than anything Juyeon can ever say. 

He gives in, reaches out to touch it with his index finger. 

He doesn't know what he was expecting. 

Changmin's cheek is soft. And hot. And red.

And Juyeon immediately retracts his hand, but not before realizing how Changmin's face is almost just the size of his fist. He imagines how easily he can cup Changmin's face with both of his hands; how easily he can draw Changmin's face close to his own. 

He quickly turns away, running his fingers through his hair. 

Beside him, he hears Changmin clear his throat.

"So," Changmin starts, "should we—should I call you Juyeon-ah—wait, that sounds wrong, though, doesn't it? I should call you _hyung._ I'm a year lower than you in uni, too—"

"It doesn't," Juyeon replies. Despite himself, he still turns to Changmin again with a soft smile. "I mean, it doesn't really sound wrong to me."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. It's not like we met as junior and senior in school, anyway."

"Okay," Changmin says slowly, a smile just as slowly forming on his face too. "Okay, Juyeon-ah _."_

Juyeon is full on grinning now, ear to ear. Maybe Juyeon is the type to get excited over certain things Changmin cowers from, too. 

  
  


✩✩✩

  
  


"Did you know," Changmin says right after lighting up his second cigarette. "It takes twenty-one days to make or break a habit."

"Okay," Juyeon answers, nodding his head once. "So?"

" _So._ " Changmin takes a long drag. "Why do you still go here every night?" 

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, it's been a month since you decided to quit. That's already more than twenty-one days."

"I'm lost."

"The first time we talked, you told me you still went here _out of habit,_ " Changmin explains, looking at Juyeon expectantly. "If it's been more than twenty-one days, then you should've gotten rid of that habit by now, right? Along with smoking."

"I—" Juyeon pauses. He hasn’t really stopped to think about _why_ he still goes out every single night, even during weekends. _Out of habit_ has always been his reason, but as Changmin pointed out, surely he would have gotten rid of this habit by now.

So why does he still go outside, sit there for an hour or so in the chilly night? 

He doesn't know the answer.

Or maybe he does. Only, he can't admit it out loud to anyone just yet.

"How do you even remember that?'' is what he answers Changmin instead. He's been trying to ask more questions now, too; trying to be more comfortable in saying things he wants Changmin to know, in exchange for things he wants to know about Changmin.

Changmin turns away, shrugging, before taking another drag. "It's only been a month," he says. "My memory hasn’t gone bad yet."

Juyeon marvels at the fact that they've known each other for a month now, but mostly he's quite amazed at how Changmin recalls the first day and the first words they've ever spoken to each other.

"Can you believe we've only known each other for a month?" says Juyeon, an attempt to steer the topic away from his habits. "Feels kinda longer than that, don't you think?"

"I know," Changmin agrees. "But for the record, we did know _of_ each other far longer."

"That doesn't count. We didn't know each other."

"It does," Changmin insists. "And you can say we kind of did."

Juyeon lets out a scoff. "Yeah, right," he says. "I knew you as that guy who always stood there while I smoked."

"Yeah.” Changmin snorts. “And you were that handsome stranger burning his lungs out the same time I did."

"You think I'm handsome?"

"I—" A pause. Changmin looks briefly over at Juyeon with his eyes wide open, and then shakes his head before looking away. "I'm sure everyone does."

"So you _do_?" Juyeon asks. He can't help the silly smile that involuntarily makes its way onto his face. He feels elated. Somehow the fact that Changmin didn't deny it makes Juyeon more proud than the fact that he has supposedly already broken his smoking habit. “You think I’m handsome.”

"Don't let it get to your head," Changmin says, laughing. "Or I'll smash your skull."

"That's rather violent," Juyeon notes, still grinning from ear to ear. That's the cutest way anyone has ever threatened him before. "Don't worry, I won't. You've met Hyunjae-hyung, right? Seeing him and Younghoon-hyung every day keeps me in check." 

Changmin tilts his head to the side, wrinkling his nose. "I guess he _is_ handsome, too," he muses. "Not my type, though."

"Oh."

Another thing Juyeon has come to know about Changmin: he’s into guys. It’s something Changmin had tentatively shared when Juyeon had asked about the girl Changmin was partners with for one of the dance routines he had once let Juyeon see.

(“Does that bother you?” Changmin had asked, to which Juyeon had replied with a smile so genuine. “Not at all,” he’d told Changmin, “I mean—I’m the same, so...” He’d ended it with a shrug.)

Something Juyeon has yet to know about Changmin: "What's your type, then?"

Changmin chokes on the smoke he just hit, his lungs racking in a coughing fit. “What?” he croaks out.

“Like,” Jueyon starts. He feels his face burning, belatedly realizing how awkward he’s making the situation. But now that the topic came up, he can’t keep his curiosity. “What you look for, you know, in guys.”

"None of your business," Changmin tells him, flicking the remnants of his cigarette away. "We've only known each other for a month. You can't ask me that."

“You just said we’ve supposedly known each other longer!” 

“And you just said it doesn’t count.”

Juyeon opens his mouth to argue, but Changmin looks away. “Fine,” Juyeon lets out. “I was just curious. I’m sorry I was being invasive.”

“You weren’t,” Changmin says. “It’s just—nevermind.”

“Okay.” Juyeon doesn’t push further. He isn’t the type to pry. He knows that if Changmin wants to tell him something, Changmin would in his own time. After all, it’s true that they barely know each other, which is a realization that makes Juyeon a little sad. 

There are times when a month seems so long; like when Juyeon waits for the semester to end, dragging his feet along pavements and staircases that never seem to end, sitting through lectures that seem to drone on and on about something he barely can hardly understand. And then there are times when a month seems too short; like when Juyeon has due requirements which he pushes further and further until his deadlines are slapping him in the face.

Having gotten to know Changmin the past month felt both so long and so short. Like it was enough time to really get to know Changmin, for a sense of friendship to develop between them. But it's still not enough time to process everything Juyeon has felt and is currently feeling.

But what _is_ he currently feeling, exactly?

What does it mean when he always finds himself staring at Changmin, mesmerized by the way wind ruffles Changmin's hair, blowing away smoke, the remnants of the day that passed?

As Juyeon stares at Changmin's lips and watches smoke come out in heavy puffs, he wonders what Changmin thinks. He wonders what inhibitions he's letting out. He wonders what happened today that has already warranted two—three sticks of cigarettes, stronger than the ones Changmin usually smokes.

"That's your third one," Juyeon finds himself saying out loud. It's more an observation than anything, but Changmin still retracts his hand, although it's too late now since he already lit the stick. "I'm not telling you to stop, don't worry," Juyeon assures him. "Just noting it's gonna take a few more minutes before we leave."

Changmin turns to look at him, his long and slender neck claiming Juyeon's gaze. "You know you don't have to wait for me, right?" he asks, wearing an expression that Juyeon can't quite read.

"I know," Juyeon answers. His smile is soft when he says, "I just want to."

Changmin only looks back at him, brows knotting ever so slightly. It's like he's studying Juyeon's face, trying to look for something Juyeon has no idea what. 

But Juyeon just lets Changmin look. He thinks he's never been good at hiding his emotions, and it's not like he's ever had any reason to. He doesn't see the point of dishonesty; it only leads to misunderstandings. He's not sure what Changmin can see written on his face right now, but he lets Changmin take his time. He lets Changmin read him like an open book, all his pages bare naked.

It’s as though another month has passed before Changmin looks away from Juyeon's face. He throws his barely burnt cigarette onto the ground, steps on it to extinguish the embers, and then stands up. 

"Let's go," he says, without looking back at Juyeon. He's already taken one step away from the bench when Juyeon grabs his hand. Only then does he look back, gaze falling onto Juyeon's grip on hand and then to Juyeon's face.

"Can I walk you home?" Juyeon asks. He's now standing up, too. He’s standing so close to Changmin that he can see his own reflection in Changmin's wide, questioning eyes. So close that Changmin can take one step towards Juyeon and he'd hear how loudly and quickly Juyeon's heart is beating.

"Why?" Changmin replies.

"Just because."

"I'm fine, you know." Changmin says. "There's nothing wrong. I only bought a different kind of cigarette because that's what they have available, not because I wanted something stronger. I didn't mean to smoke so much tonight, either, I just didn't know what to do with my hands and—"

"I _want_ to walk you home," Juyeon interrupts, with more conviction, like he can't take no for an answer. "Whether you're fine or not."

Changmin doesn't answer. He only turns towards his street without saying anything. It's not a yes, but it's not a no, either. So Juyeon doesn't let go just yet, falling into step beside Changmin.

They walk in silence for the most part. Juyeon doesn't dare to speak until he's sure the tension has left Changmin's shoulders, and that his jaw isn't set too hard anymore. 

He doesn't let go of Changmin's hand, either. Not until they've reached his apartment building, and Changmin gently pulls his hand out of Juyeon's grasp. 

"Thanks for walking me home, Ju—" Changmin pauses, looking away. " _Juyeon-ah._ "

Juyeon smiles like an idiot. The heavy atmosphere from before has evaporated into the cold night air, and he watches as the wind softly ruffles Changmin's now-dull-blue hair. 

"Ah, that still feels wrong, doesn't it?" Changmin says, the smile coming back to his eyes. "I should really call you _hyung—_ why are you smiling like that?"

Juyeon shrugs. "Just because."

" _Just because._ "

"Yeah."

"Well." Changmin presses his lips together in a smile. "You should go."

"You're already trying to get rid of me?"

"No! No, it's just—you walked me home. I should see you off, or something, shouldn't I?"

"Oh." Juyeon lets out. "You don't need to. Go inside."

"You go first."

"No, you."

"No, _you_ go first."

"No—"

"Yah, Juyeon-ah." Changmin, for all his week-long complaints about being uncomfortable not addressing Juyeon formally, he definitely sounds comfortable right now. 

Juyeon likes it better this way.

"Yes, sir," he immediately concedes, raising his hand in a playful salute. There's something that stirs in his stomach whenever Changmin calls him by his name like that. It feels weird, but pleasantly so. He smiles at Changmin. "You win. I'm going now."

"Good." Changmin grins. 

Juyeon waves goodbye one last time, before turning on his heels. He hasn't even taken a single step when Changmin calls him from behind.

"Hey, Juyeon—Juyeonie." 

Juyeon turns around in an instant, that stupid smile still plastered on his face 

"You should." Changmin exhales. "You should let me walk you home tomorrow, too."

  
  


✩✩✩

  
  


Juyeon once again finds himself perched on the bench at their usual spot, waiting for Changmin.

He doesn’t know when exactly it was that sitting around, waiting for time to pass, and officially became _waiting for Changmin_ . He doesn't know when _his_ usual spot became _their_ usual spot in his head, either. He's always been a little slow—at processing things, at gathering his thoughts, at mixing and matching words to form coherence; that's what his friends tell him, anyway. He can blame it on the nicotine withdrawal, but frankly he knows it's something he's had to struggle with even before he started smoking. 

But Juyeon couldn't care less about things he doesn't know, moreso things he _doesn't need_ to know. Because right now, all he knows is that he definitely likes it better this way, now that this habit has become somewhat _theirs_ and not his own anymore. 

He likes it because now, Changmin always greets him with a big smile on his face as soon as he arrives, and Changmin sits closer to him on the bench, and Changmin is a lot more comfortable talking to him about the day's happenings. 

That's why—for all his alleged slow-wittedness—Juyeon can't help but wonder what's wrong when Changmin arrives that evening, looking out of it, and only greets Juyeon with the smallest hint of a smile and nod. He sits on the opposite edge of the bench, and immediately lights up a cigarette.

Juyeon notices he has the pack of stronger ones again. 

He watches as Changmin finishes one in a flash.

Before Changmin can light a second one up, Juyeon grabs his wrist.

Changmin startles. "Wha— _Oh._ " He looks at Juyeon as if he's only really seeing him now, his expression softening. "Juyeonie."

Something in Juyeon's chest clenches. He doesn't want Changmin to ever feel pressured into telling him things, but at that moment he really can't help but ask, "Is there something going on?"

"No," Changmin is quick to answer.

For all Juyeon’s alleged slow-wittedness, the way Changmin refuses to meet his eyes still tells him otherwise.

"You can tell me."

"I know." 

"But you won't?" Juyeon asks.

"I don't know," Changmin answers. He looks down at Juyeon's thumb absently rubbing circles on his wrist and stares. "I think I…" he starts but trails off. 

"You don't have to tell me," Juyeon assures Changmin. He scoots closer, stopping a few inches before they're touching shoulder to shoulder. His heart aches at how easily Changmin could rest his head on Juyeon's shoulder should he wish to, how perfectly Changmin's smaller frame would fit in his if they touched. But Juyeon makes sure to still keep some space between them, room to breathe, the option for Changmin to pull away if he wants to. 

But Changmin doesn't move at all. He doesn't scoot away, nor does he draw his hand back. He just sits there with Juyeon. It's a little chilly, but Juyeon doesn't mind. They stay like that for a while, engulfed in silence. Juyeon lets it speak the words he can’t say.

He has always leaned more towards the reserved side. He isn't shy, per se; it's just that sometimes he really doesn't know what to say and when. He’s never been someone who talks a lot. He's always been more of a listener, which is why when there's no one to listen to, he's fine with staying quiet. 

With Changmin, it's a different case. Sure, Juyeon loves to listen to Changmin talk—he finds the way Changmin almost always speaks in a rising intonation cute; the way he accentuates certain words and syllables, adorable. But Juyeon finds that he also loves talking to Changmin, telling him things, because he finds the way Changmin reacts to what he says endearing—like the way Changmin tilts his head or raises his brows or pouts his lips; the way he sometimes stares at Juyeon's lips when Juyeon speaks; the way his hands sometimes touch Juyeon's thigh or arm when he finds something that Juyeon said funny.

Juyeon just— 

He just really likes—

"Fuck," he whispers as realization hits in continuous waves, each one bigger than the last. It’s not like he didn’t expect it. The waters have been stirring for a while now; Juyeon just didn’t know when the waves would come. Now it has.

And there it goes again, the head tilt, the raised eyebrows, the high pitched, "What?" as Changmin looks over to him. It hits Juyeon in steady crashes. He’s afraid he might drown. But maybe he wants to.

"Nothing," he says. “It was nothing.”

“Oh,” Changmin lets out distractedly. He looks away, and then looks back at Juyeon abruptly, at their hands intertwined in Juyeon’s lap, as though he’s only now realizing they’ve been sitting like this all this time. 

Juyeon lets go of his hand. His own feels empty when clasps them together, mumbling a quiet, “Sorry.”

“Ah, right!” Changmin exclaims. He either didn’t hear Juyeon’s apology or he just chose to ignore it and the entire situation. With the way he’s suddenly back to being bouncy and cheerful, Juyeon guesses it’s the latter. “Have you had dinner yet?”

Juyeon has to stare and keep blinking for a few seconds before he’s shaking his head.

“Do you wanna get dinner with me?” 

“Suddenly?”

“Well.” Changmin looks down at his hands. Juyeon wonders if they feel as empty, too. “I didn’t have time to eat lunch today, so—”

“What?!” Juyeon stands up and, without caring whether Changmin would get mad or not, pulls him up by the arm too. “Yah, Ji Changmn, don’t you dance all day? You should be eating properly.”

“You sound like my mom,” Changmin says, pulling his arm away. “And my brother.”

“I’m serious.”

Changmin sighs. “I know.” He smiles at Juyeon. The waves are starting to subside. “That's why I'm asking you if you wanna get dinner with me.”

"Of course I do," Juyeon replies. "Do you even have to ask?"

"It's called _formalites_. You should try it sometimes."

"Right. So where are we going?"

Changmin's smile finally reaches his eyes again. Juyeon still wants to drown. 

He grabs Juyeon by the arm and leads him the opposite way from his house. "You'll see," he says.

"You're not gonna ask me what I want to eat?"

"No."

"But what happened to _formalities_?" Juyeon asks. The truth is he doesn't care whether they eat at the fanciest restaurant or at the cheapest stall they can find—not when Changmin's hand is holding onto his arm, leading Juyeon along the unfamiliar street. It’s Changmin who’s clinging onto him, but it feels like he’s the one clinging on for dear life. 

"No," Changmin answers him. "You already said yes, so I'm taking you wherever—but you're not, like, allergic to anything, are you?"

"I don't think so."

"Good."

"Are you gonna tell me where we're going?"

"The best _pocha_ in the neighborhood." 

"There's a _pocha_ around here?" 

"Do you not go outside your house?" 

"Of course I do! This is just—" he looks around wearily "—this is already kinda far from where my apartment is."

Changmin laughs out loud. "Forgot you were such a scaredy cat."

"Hey, the world is a scary place—especially at night! It's dark."

"You have a fucking huge body! And besides, there are far scarier things than the dark."

"Like?"

"Like not being able to do what you love."

"Chamgmin—"

"Don't," Changmin tells him, his grip on Juyeon's arm tightening. He looks up at Juyeon and smiles. "I'll tell you later."

"You don't have to."

"No, I will." Changmin looks away. "I _want_ to—oh, wait! Here we are."

They turn a corner, and they're met with a small _pocha_ brimming with people. Juyeon isn't sure if they can even find a table, but Changmin practically drags him forward. 

"Oh—Changminie," the lady serving a table outside greets as soon as she sees Changmin. "We haven't seen you in so long. Ah, you must've been busy with school."

"Hello, Ahjumma," Changmin greets her, bowing. Juyeon follows. "How have you been?" 

"Busy, busy—we've been doing really well these days," she answers. "Ah, I’ve been worried about you. Look at you, you look like you've lost weight."

"Please don't worry about me. I'm much stronger than you think."

"Eh. Ahjumma is worried you haven't been eating much. I know it's hectic these days; there are other university students who eat and drink here, you know? They tell me things." 

"They're not getting drunk and giving you a hard time, though, are they?" Changmin asks.

"No, no, my husband and I can handle them. And these days it's much easier to grab a taxi than when I was a student." 

"That's right."

"Yes, really convenient," the lady agrees. Then she turns to Juyeon, who's only been standing there rather awkwardly while he watches the warm exchange. "And who is this handsome young fellow?" she asks Changmin. "A classmate?"

"This is Juyeonie," Changmin introduces. "He's—" he pauses, as though thinking it over first before deciding. "He's my friend."

"Ah, I see." The lady pinches Changmin's cheek fondly, and Juyeon can see why Changmin, who lives alone, likes this place. "Go ahead and sit," she says, pointing to a table by the side. "I'll bring your food in a while."

"Thank you!" they both say in unison, before heading to their table.

They didn't have to wait long until they're served with a heaping plate of _dakgalbi_ , along with a generous side of kimchi. The Ahjumma must really like Changmin a lot, which is something Juyeon himself understands a tad bit too well. And then—

"So you wanted to drink," Juyeon notes when Changmin takes the green bottle and gives it a shake as soon as the lady leaves. "Thought you wanted to get dinner."

"I wanted to do both," Changmin points out. "With you." 

"Oh."

Juyeon has barely taken a bite of the spicy _dakgalbi_ , but already he feels his face burning. Fortunately, Changmin doesn’t seem to notice; he’s busy pouring them both drinks. He pushes one of the glasses towards Juyeon, who immediately takes and drinks it.

“Looks like _you_ wanted to drink, too,” Changmin says with a laugh. 

“Just a little,” Juyeon says sheepishly. Then _he_ pours them both another drink.

It goes on like that until they’ve emptied two bottles and are halfway through the third one. Juyeon is starting to feel the effects of the alcohol, but Changmin still seems totally fine.

"Juyeon-ah,” Changmin calls after a few moments of silence. His gaze is still steady when he looks at him. “Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot—this is really good, by the way." 

"Right? I told you." 

Juyeon stuffs his face with the food, hoping its spiciness will combat the intoxication. "What is it?" he mumbles.

"Just—” Changmin pauses. “Why aren't you majoring in Dance?"

"What do you mean?” Juyeon says through a mouthful of food. “Should I be?"

"No, I mean… You seem to really like dancing, too, so why didn't you take it up for college, or something?"

“Well, I do,” Juyeon answers slowly. He takes his time chewing his food, takes his time to formulate the answer Changmin is expecting. “I really love dancing, but I guess this is just something I want to do more. I’m sorry—does that make sense?”

Changmin is nodding his head, pursing his lips. “So you wanna be a pilot more than you wanna be a dancer?”

“I think so. I mean, I can always dance when I have the time, but I can’t, you know, fly a plane if I don’t get into aviation.”

“Right, right. That makes sense.”

"Why? Are you—"

"I think I wanna quit."

Juyeon almost coughs out his food. "What?"

"Or, like, transfer to a different major, or something."

" _What?_ " Juyeon repeats. "Why?"

"Because I feel bad." 

"I don't get it."

"I feel bad that I get to do what I want when my brother doesn't,” Changmin explains. “He likes music, but he doesn’t get to do it for a living. It’s not his job. He didn’t even get to study it in college. But I just get to do what I want.”

"But that's…" Juyeon starts. “That’s not your fault.”

“Does it matter whose it is, though?”

"Look,” says Juyeon. He’s normally a serious person, but this is probably the most serious he’s been while talking to Changmin. “I have a younger sister. If it meant she'd be free to do whatever she wants, I think I'd sacrifice _everything._ "

Changmin pokes at his food.

"And I'd never blame her for it," Juyeon adds. "I mean, that's totally not the case for us—but, like, as an older sibling, that's what I'd do, too. I can't say anything for your brother, though. Have you talked to him about this?" 

"We fought," Changmin starts after a long and heavy sigh, and Juyeon is ready to go off about how that's unfair, but then Changmin continues, "because I told him I wanted to quit dancing, but he doesn't want me to."

Juyeon's jaw drops to the floor. " _Ji Changmin._ "

"I know. I'm dumb."

"I'm sorry to say this, but yeah, you kind of are."

Changmin cackles. "I never thought I'd hear those words from you," he says. “I guess it’s true our innermost thoughts come out when we’re drunk, huh?”

“I guess,” Juyeon muses. “But I’d rather not get drunk tonight.”

“Why? Don’t like my company? Scared I’d leave you here alone when you pass out?”

“Not really.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

Despite his contentions, Juyeon still takes the shot Changmin just poured him.

Another reason why Juyeon likes it better this way, now, even when there are things he’s still not sure of: Changmin always lets Juyeon walk him home without Juyeon having to ask.

“I still gotta walk you home later.”

  
  


✩✩✩

  
  


Juyeon has lost count of how many weeks it has been since he last smoked—or how many times he's walked Changmin home. He knows, however, that this is exactly the first time Changmin has invited him into his unit—and exactly the first time Juyeon has been so close to just saying _'Fuck it'_ and prying the cigarette from between Changmin's fingers to place it between his own lips.

He doesn’t, though. He still has enough willpower, even when Changmin is standing barely a meter away from where Juyeon is standing leaning against the railing on the former’s small balcony; even as he watches Changmin blow the smoke out in rings, releasing them into the night along with the entire day’s weariness. 

Changmin brings the stick back to his lips, takes another drag, then puffs the smoke out, only for it to vanish as soon as it hits the air. 

Juyeon wonders if there’s something wrong again. Just a few days ago, Changmin told him about wanting to quit dancing, but Juyeon thought he was able to talk Changmin out of it. Then he remembers, _‘There’s one more thing,’_ Changmin had said when they were walking home from the _pocha._ Juyeon thinks maybe that’s why he’s here, why Changmin wanted him here tonight. Maybe Changmin wants to drink and talk about that other thing. 

“Changminie,” Juyeon calls, voice barely above a whisper.

Changmin turns to him with eyes wide open, eyebrows up and hidden behind his hair blowing in the wind. He looks so soft and small and cute, like something about him being at home makes him look vulnerable, almost as open as Juyeon himself. “Hm?” he says to Juyeon, and Juyeon’s heart just contracts. 

“Is there something wrong?” Juyeon asks.

Changmin smiles and looks away again, gaze flitting up unto the sky. “No,” he says softly.

“Oh.” _That’s good,_ Juyeon thinks. But if that’s the case, then what is he doing here? “So, uh…” he stammers. “I guess, I should—should I go? I mean, it’s getting kinda late, and you should probably rest.”

“Wait—Juyeon—” Changmin grabs his arm.

They’re so close. Changmin is so close to Juyeon, barely a foot away now. It’s so easy to just lean in. But Juyeon is scared he'd electrify himself if he as much as breeches the charged space between them.

“Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?” Juyeon asks before can do something else.

Changmin looks away. “I told you there’s something else that’s bothering me, right?” he says, slowly, as if choosing his words really carefully. In the arguably short time they’ve known each other, Juyeon has taken so many of Changmin’s traits and quirks to heart, but being too cautious with words has never been one of those.

If anything, not being good with words is Juyeon’s end of the bargain. He feels his heart clench inside his chest yet again, this time it almost physically hurts him. “What is it?” he gently prods. He dares to place his fingers under Changmin’s chin, slowly turning his head so they’re facing each other, looking into each other’s eyes. It surprises Juyeon, how round and glossy Changmin’s eyes are, how scared they suddenly look. 

“Juyeon, I…” Changmin starts. “I—I think—fuck.” Changmin lets out a chuckle. “Shit—how do I even say this?”

Juyeon doesn’t know, either. Nor does he know what Changmin even wants to say to him, for that matter. All he knows is that, right now, there’s nothing else he wants to do but to look at Changmin’s eyes, fall into those deep, dark pits, utterly and completely and once and for all. 

His gaze flickers to Changmin’s lips when the latter tries to speak again, and Juyeon decides there’s exactly one thing, only one, that he wants to do other than to drown in Changmin's eyes.

And he just does it.

It tastes bitter at first, the remnants of smoke still on Changmin's lips as he stands there unmoving—until a second later and he's slinging his arms around Juyeon's neck, pulling him closer, and the kiss becomes sweeter. He swipes his tongue across Changmin's lip, asking for entrance, which the latter willingly gives him, and the kiss turns deeper, more intense—dirtier, he’d even dare to say.

For what feels like an eternity, the two of them are just a mess of limbs, of lips crashing against each other, tongues exploring each other’s mouths, hands roaming under thin shirts, fingertips grazing bare skin and leaving blazing trails behind. He lifts Changmin up by the thighs and starts walking back inside, their mouths never leaving each other as they bump into walls and furniture, until Juyeon ends up sitting on the couch with Changmin on his lap.

They’re pressed flush against each other, but Juyeon still wants to be closer, and closer, and—

Changmin pulls away, breathing hard. He looks dazed when he looks up at Juyeon, his glossy eyes now clouded.

Juyeon just can't resist it. His lips find Changmin's again, and this time he kisses him harder. He'd apologize to Changmin tomorrow if he needs to, but right now all he wants is the taste of Changmin tongue. Juyeon just wants to breathe him in like smoke, feel Changmin flow through his system and get to his head.

Kissing Changmin is like smoking itself. It starts out a little awkward, a little uncomfortable as you're still getting used to it. You wonder whether you're doing it right, until you take another puff and it starts to hit you. 

That's exactly what Juyeon feels right now.

He feels lightheaded, his mind is fuzzy, and his vision is hazy. All he can see is Changmin. All he can feel is Changmin—his lips, his tongue, his hands, his everything.

_Everything,_ Juyeon thinks. _You're everything,_ that's what he wants to say with his lips on top of Changmin's _._

He feels empty when Changmin pulls away again for air. 

"Juyeon," Changmin breathes into Juyeon's lips. "Juyeon—I— _Juyeon_." 

"What is it?" Juyeon asks into the crook of his neck. He was right all along; it's warm, and lovely, and Changmin smells nothing like cigarette smoke. He smells like clean, fresh detergent, something that reminds Juyeon of home, and he just wants to breathe it all in.

Except, his breathing stops.

"I think I like you," Changmin says. "Like, _really_ like you." 

Suddenly Juyeon's head is spinning. This must be what it feels to finally fall into Changmin, completely and utterly and all at once, to be drowned in all the waves that have crashed and have been crashing and will still be crashing. It's like taking a drag too long when you're smoking for the first time in a while, a little dizzying, a little constricting, but still feels _oh, so good._

"Me, too," Juyeon says. His face is still buried in Changmin's neck, and his voice is muffled when he lets out the confession, "I like you."

"Wait, what?" Changmin asks, pulling Juyeon's face up. 

"I like you, Changmin—like, so fucking much."

"Really?"

"You're sitting on my lap, aren't you?"

"You say that to people who sit on your lap?" 

"No—I mean, I wouldn't be pulling you into my lap if I didn't like you, would I?" 

"I don't know," Changmin teases. He starts trailing kisses along Juyeon's jaw again, down his neck, his chest. "For all I know, you could just be horny."

Juyeon scoffs, but it turns into a moan when Changmin bites at the skin on his neck. "Could say the same about you," he breathes out. 

"Oh." Changmin stops kissing him so he can look at him straight in the eye. His eyes are still cloudy, but there's a playful glint to them when he says, "But I am, though."

Juyeon raises his eyebrows at him.

Changmin tilts his head. "I really like you. And I'm really horny. What do we do, Juyeonie?"

"What—is it my fault now?"

"Who else's?" 

"Then I guess—" Juyeon adjusts their position, flipping them over so he's on top of Changmin lying on the couch "—I should do something about it, then?"

"You really should," Changmin says, sounding more like a whine when Juyeon positions himself between his legs.

And Juyeon catches his lips, licking inside his mouth, getting high on barely present traces of nicotine—or just the feeling of having Changmin under him, grinding against him, bare skin hot and flushed and electrifying where it touches.

Changmin, the new vice, the new habit he's unknowingly developed over the past few months, one that he knows would be too hard to quit—a lot harder than quitting smoking and a lot harder to decide against than dancing. He imagines—no, he's absolutely sure that withdrawing from Changmin would not only be extremely mentally and emotionally draining, but physically painful as well. 

"Juyeon," Changmin whispers in his ear, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. "I want you inside me."

And it's with the realization that he's a total goner that Juyeon obliges.

  
  


✩✩✩

  
  


Tonight, Juyeon waits outside the dance studio, instead of the usual spot they take up at the end of his street. 

He went there with both of his housemates this time, the weekend granting them matching schedules for once. Younghoon finally met Changmin, which was a rather awkward encounter; but since Hyunjae, who’s met Changmin before, was there too, the atmosphere lightened a bit thanks to his teasing. Or maybe not. Maybe that was the reason Changmin barely talked to Juyeon the entire time they were at the studio.

Or maybe Changmin felt awkward about _other things._

Either way, Juyeon knows Hyunjae and Younghoon both have more to say about this entire situation with Changmin, but he sends them both off earlier. He'll deal with them later when he gets home. 

Tonight, there are more pressing matters. 

For instance: this entire situation with Changmin.

It's been a week since he and Changmin said that they liked each other, and the more time that passes, the more Juyeon is convinced Changmin just said that out of the heat of the situation. After all, it's easy for people who aren't Juyeon to say words that have no true meaning. Not that he thinks Changmin is someone whose words bear no weight, but what else is he supposed to think when Changmin has barely uttered a word about what happened?

Juyeon doesn’t want to jump into conclusions. He knows that not everyone wants labels, not everyone is into relationships. But he doesn't know if Changmin is. And he doesn't know what Changmin wants. 

Sure, they continued seeing each other every night after that. And sure, they kissed and made out some more every night after that, too. But Juyeon isn't sure what Changmin really wants out of this.

Does Changmin want more than just sex? Because Juyeon does. But he doesn't want to impose. He's not the type to assert what he wants. He's the type to respect boundaries, the type to be careful with other people—especially the people he really likes, the people he’s afraid to lose. He'd give Changmin everything if that's what Changmin asks for; he'd hold back everything if Changmin wants none of it.

"You're still here?" Changmin asks as soon as he sees Juyeon standing outside. "I thought you and your friends already left."

"They did," Juyeon says. "I was waiting for you."

"Oh. Thanks." 

"I'll walk you home."

"Okay."

They walk silently for a while until they reach their usual spot at the end of the street, and Juyeon asks Changmin if he wants to stop for a second to smoke. Changmin shakes his head no, to Juyeon's surprise, and they continue walking again in silence.

Usually, it's comfortable even when neither of them speaks. Tonight, there is tension to which Changmin isn't oblivious. When they reach his building, he turns to Juyeon and sighs.

"What's wrong?" Changmin prods.

Juyeon takes a deep breath and steels himself, deciding that tonight should be the night to get his answers. “We need to talk,” he says. Then, realizing how demanding that sounds, he adds, “Don’t you think?”

“Okay?” Changmin looks at him quizzically, tilting his head to the side. 

He looks so cute, and Juyeon's resolve almost falters because suddenly all he wants is to leave a tender kiss on Changmin's forehead, and then back him up against the wall and kiss him senseless.

But tonight, he needs to know what Changmin wants first, before acting on what he does. 

“Just—" he struggles to find the right words, ones that won't sound too insistent, ones that won't make Changmin back away and recoil. But there are none, so he settles with, "What are we?”

Changmin looks at him in surprise. “Well—I—” he stammers, suddenly going red in the face. “I assumed we’re, you know, dating now.”

Juyeon is dumbfounded. Words leave him again; they never even have come in the first place. “Oh," he lets out. All along, Changmin thought they were already dating. All along, Juyeon should have already known what Changmin wants. " _Oh._ "

“I’m sorry, I guess I shouldn’t have?”

“No! No, Changmin," Juyeon says in a haste, grabbing Changmin's hands. "I just thought—nevermind.”

“What is it?”

“Nothing. I feel really dumb now.”

“Tell me," Changmin says in that voice that means he isn't taking no for an answer. 

Juyeon lets out a long sigh. “I thought you didn’t want to be anything,” he admits. “Or that you wanted to just keep it casual.”

It takes a good second before Changmin is exclaiming, “Are you serious?”

“See!" Juyeon whines. "You’re laughing at me!” 

“No, I’m not,” Changmin lies. “Okay, I _am_. But, Juyeon, why did you think that?”

“‘Cause we never talked about what happened—about _us._ ”

“Oh," Changmin lets out softly. Laughter leaves his eyes, replaced by a soft expression that, as Juyeon has come to learn, he reserves for the people who mean something to him. "Sorry," he says, pulling out a hand from Juyeon's grip to cup his face. "I should’ve realized sooner we had to make things clearer.”

“No, it’s my fault for being dense.”

“It’s not. I guess I forgot you wanted people to be clear with their intentions,” Changmin says. “It’s just because I felt like you _knew_ me. Like, with you, it always felt like we understood each other, you know?”

“Oh," Juyeon says. It seems like words are really failing him tonight. _But it's alright,_ he thinks, because it turns out words aren't what Changmin needs—and wants—from him.

“That was extremely cheesy and embarrassing," Changmin mumbles after a while, now retracting both of his hands and sticking them inside his pocket, looking away.

Juyeon steps closer. Close enough to wrap his arms around Changmin's smaller frame. And that's what he does. And Changmin lets him.

"That was nice, though," he tells Changmin, smiling into the top of his head. It's still wet from the shower Changmin took at the studio, but it smells really nice—nothing like smoke and cigarettes. It just smells like Changmin, and Juyeon just wants to bask in his overwhelming scent. He wants Changmin to be everywhere, surrounding him. Changmin wraps his arms around Juyeon's waist, too, and Juyeon thinks he wants to be with Changmin, to stay like this, feeling Changmin's smile into his chest.

"So," Changmin speaks after a while. His voice is muffled against Juyeon's chest. "What do you want us to be, then?"

Juyeon shrugs. "Whatever you want," he says, and he means it with all his heart.

“I thought we should be clear with what we want?" Changmin asks, his tone teasing. "I thought that's how communication works?"

Right. That's what Juyeon believed. He still does, really. But with Changmin, it always felt like he never had to explain himself. 

Maybe, deep down, Juyeon has always known what Changmin wanted. Only, he's always been scared to believe in it. But he shouldn't have been, because this is Changmin, after all. 

“I want to hold your hand," Juyeon says. "I want to hold you and kiss you and give you everything you want, whatever you want.”

“Don’t say things like that, Juyeon. I might really hold you to that.”

“But I mean it,” Juyeon insists, and he really does. “So what do _you_ want?”

“You,” Changmin says simply. He must have noticed Juyeon’s stunned expression, despite not seeing his face—or he felt Juyeon's heart skip a few beats, because then he adds, chuckling, “Was that too forward?”

"Kind of."

"I want you, Lee Juyeon," Changmin repeats, voice still muffled by Juyeon's jacket but ringing loud in the quiet night. "I like you." 

And Juyeon just lets the words hang in the air, afraid that if he touches them they'd disappear. But Changmin is here, wrapped in his arms, and Juyeon knows he can hear those words again—he _will_ hear those words again, and he will say them back every time.

"I like you, too," he says. "So much."

"Good. Now we're clear, okay?" 

"So am I your boyfriend now?"

"Give me time," Changmin says. He pulls away from Juyeon's embrace and smiles up at him. "I'll think about it."

"Yah—"

"I have to go, Juyeonie."

"Alright." Juyeon sighs. He aches at the sudden lack of contact, so he reaches for Changmin's hand. "Go inside."

"You go first. Or do you want to…"

"I can't," Juyeon says. "I promised my friends we'd have movie night. I'm already late, actually." He regrets it now, but he knows catching up with Hyunjae and Younghoon is long overdue.

"That's what you and your friends do for fun?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Nothing. It's cute."

"You should join us next time," he suggests. "We can watch horror movies if you want. I don't think they'd mind." He _does_ think they would mind, but for Changmin, anything.

"Sure," Changmin answers.

"But?" Juyeon asks, knowing by now how to spot the words that Changmin doesn't let past his lips.

"I'm shy with new people."

"You are?"

"Yes. You know it took me, like, weeks before I could even talk to you, right?

"But you literally just asked me for a light."

"That was just—that wasn't—yah, Lee Juyeon!" Changmin lets go of his hand. "Are you seriously gonna make me explain?" 

"Yes?"

"I won't. Go."

Juyeon laughs, but the air almost leaves his lungs when he realizes what Changmin was trying to say. "Come here," he says, pulling Changmin into a hug. "Last one for tonight."

"You should really go, Juyeon," Changmin says. "Or I might not let your movie night with friends happen."

"Alright, alright." Juyeon plants a kiss on top of Changmin's head. "I'll see you tomorrow."

  
  


✩✩✩

  
  


“Lee Juyeon?!" is how Changmin greets Juyeon when he sees him outside the building. 

Juyeon's face immediately lights up as soon as he hears Changmin's voice, the way the syllables seem to bounce off each other. He walks towards Changmin and his friends—two other boys who seem about their age, who are both looking from Juyeon to Changmin with shit eating grins plastered on their faces.

"What are you doing here?" Changmin asks.

“Picking my boyfriend up,” Juyeon answers. Despite the awkwardness, he can’t help smiling like an idiot when Changmin’s cheeks visibly burn. “Can I not?”

“You should’ve at least told me you were coming."

_Okay,_ Juyeon thinks. Maybe he shouldn't have gone to Changmin's university to surprise him. It must be quite embarrassing, a guy your friends don't know suddenly showing up after your classes. But he thinks it's romantic.

Juyeon is a romantic guy.

Not that that means he isn't even a tad bit embarrassed, too. Or that he thought everything thoroughly before deciding to do it. 

“Wait," he says, realizing the flaws of his plan. "Do you guys already have plans for tonight, or something?”

"No, we don't!" one of Changmin's friends replies, the one with dark hair and a strong jawline. "Changmin-hyung doesn't have plans. You can take him anytime, anywhere, whenever, wherever—"

"Yah, Kim Sunwoo," Changmin says in a tone that Juyeon recognizes all too well. "Shut up." 

“Yah, Ji Changmin!” Changmin’s other friend says this time. He has softer features than both Changmin and the other guy, Sunwoo, has fair skin, and blond hair. "You should at least introduce us."

"I don't want to. You guys embarrass me."

"See, hyung-nim?" Sunwoo asks Juyeon. "This is how he treats us. That's why we're giving him away to you. You're free to take him."

"Oh," Juyeon says. Another flaw in his plan: he didn't realize he's going to have to talk to Changmin's friends. Talking has never been his strongest suit.

"I'm Chanhee," the fair-skinned boy introduces. He reaches out his hand, which Changmin tries to grab but fails. "Choi Chanhee. You must be Lee Juyeon. Changminie talks about you a lot."

Juyeon's mouth falls open at first, then turns into a smile. "He does?"

"Yeah, it's quite annoying," Sunwoo answers, shaking Juyeon's hand as well. "Kim Sunwoo."

"Lee Juyeon," Juyeon says out of formality, even when apparently Changmin has told them about him. 

"God," Changmin mumbles, face in his hands. "Stop embarrassing me, all three of you."

"Fine." Chanhee shrugs. "But only because Lee Juyeon-nim is here. Let’s go, Sunwoo-yah."

"Changmin-hyung really does talk about you. I mean, not a lot, but he really does sometimes," Sunwoo tells Juyeon before sauntering off after Chanhee.

"Ah, really…" Changmin sighs, shaking his head. "Those guys…"

"They seem nice," Juyeon notes. When Changmin only looks at him incredulously, he adds, "I mean, like, I can see why you guys would be friends. They seem like they're fun to hang out with."

"Well, they _are,_ " Changmin agrees. "Doesn't mean they aren't annoying. Anyway, what's going on? Why are you suddenly picking me up? I only told you I have a late lecture tonight so you wouldn't have to wait for me, not because I needed you to pick me up."

"I know. I just want to."

"Why?"

"Just because."

"Just because," Changmin echoes, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. 

"Yeah," Juyeon says. He himself is smiling when he takes Changmin's hand in his and leads him away from the building. "I just want to walk you home from school."

"That's cheesy."

"You don't like it?"

"I do—but don't overdo it," Changmin warns, but his threat sounds empty either way. "I know you can be such a romantic sometimes."

"You like it, anyway."

Changmin rolls his eyes, giggling as Juyeon leaves a kiss on the back of his hand.

"Want me to come over tonight?" Juyeon asks.

"Hm." Changmin looks at him playfully. "I don’t know… Do I?" 

  
  


✩✩✩

  
  


Juyeon stirs, his right arm feeling numb. Sunlight hits his face, its bright glow warming him from the inside out. Squished against his side is the soft, grey elephant plushie Changmin always hugs to sleep, and Changmin himself, with his arm draped across Juyeon's torso. 

Changmin looks beautiful, Juyeon thinks. Really pretty under sunlight. And Juyeon can't help but smile at the thought that this is the very first time he’s seeing Changmin in the light of day. Now that he thinks about it, he realizes it must be very unusual, but it has always been what's normal for them. Juyeon has grown used to it, and he wouldn’t change anything about them—how they met, how they got to know each other, how they fell in love—even if he was given a hundred million chances to.

He breathes out a sigh, contentment flooding his veins and needing release or else he’ll explode from his heart feeling so full. His thumb absently traces circles on the bare skin of Changnin's shoulder. He isn't able to fall asleep again, not when he's too mesmerized by the sunlight pouring in through the blinds in Changmin's bedroom, casting patterns on his glowing figure. 

Juyeon plants a light kiss on Changmin forehead, soft and feathery, his lips just barely grazing skin. That's when Changmin finally stirs.

“Good morning,” Changmin greets groggily, voice still hoarse from sleep and eyelids barely peeled open. 

Juyeon finds it cute. He wants more moments like this. 

“Morning,” he greets back. “Wanna get breakfast?”

Changmin groans, moving his limbs for the first time this morning and looking up at Juyeon. “Now?” he asks, "isn't it too early?"

“Chamgmin, it's eleven in the morning. It's almost noon.”

“Ah. Shit."

"Yeah." Juyeon chuckles. "Shit."

"You should've woken me up."

"It's Sunday. We can sleep in."

"Oh," Changmin lets out with a yawn. "Can we stay in bed for, like, five more minutes? Then we can get breakfast."

"Sure," Juyeon easily agrees. "Whatever you want." 

Changmin mumbles something that Juyeon doesn't catch, snuggling even closer. Juyeon thinks he’s already gone back to sleep, but a few minutes later Changmin opens his eyes again and looks up at Juyeon, kissing him on the lips, gentle as a dove. 

“This is the first time we’re doing anything in broad daylight," Changmin points out. "Quite exciting, don't you think?"

Juyeon can't help but smile at the thought, too. Sure, there's something romantic about meeting at night; arguably, with smoking together, too. Something about it being your own little thing, a private moment that you share with only one person, makes it so intimate. But at the same time, there's something awfully domestic and especially tender about waking up to each other in the morning, doing the most mundane day to day activities under the bright, warm sun.

Juyeon likes both: having Changmin under the light of the staticky lamppost and the moon and the stars; having Changmin in the comfort of his soft sheets that smell so much like him that it almost makes Juyeon's heart ache. 

Juyeon likes having both, because Changmin is the cold that seeps through his skin on a chilly night, and Changmin is the light that burns behind his eyelids on a sunny day.

"This won't be the last," he promises.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!
> 
> ok i know the health risks of smoking for people who do a lot of physical activities, such as jukyu in this fic. so here is an [article about smoking among dancers of different ages](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/311646030_Cigarette_Smoking_Among_Dancers_of_Different_Ages_and_Levels_of_Training#:~:text=Few%20studies%20have%20evaluated%20cigarette,a%20high%20prevalence%20of%20smoking.&text=Close%20to%2080%25%20of%20dancers,number%20of%20dancers%20who%20smoke.), which i totally didn't read the entirety of and you really don't have to either, just know that it says: _"Few studies have evaluated cigarette use specifically in dancers, but those that exist suggest that there is a high prevalence of smoking."_ and that _"Over 40% of smokers expressed a desire to quit."_ just to be clear, though, i don't think there's anything wrong with smoking! (i mean, apart from the obvious health risks i guess...) but yeah, that's all. LOL. sorry for my super long notes! if you've read until here, i'd like to thank you again.
> 
> this is my first tbz fic so ~~pls be kind TT~~ comments and feedback are greatly appreciated! 
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.qa/crashingfalling)


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